Already Over
by SVU-Obsessed
Summary: A Lulucentric story set after Mr. Craig is done with Nikolas. Lulu's future comes to meet her too soon, Robin struggles with her past, and Emily tries to deal with her reality. Milu, Nem, and Scrubs.
1. Chapter 1

This takes places after everythign with Mr. Craig is over. Luke is gone again, Robin and Patrick are still living at Wyndemere, Nikolas and Emily are back together, and Lulu has moved in with them.

I know what I want to do with this story, but I'm not entirely sure how I want to get there, so you'll have to forgive me if my timeline's a little off. I'm bad about updating, but I promise if you keep bugging me, I will!

The first chapter is a little confusing. It's supposed to be.

I hope you like it!!

* * *

**October**

_Lulu_

I sat rigidly in the comfortable chair across from Dr. Winters. Lainey. She told me to call her Lainey, which was just weird. She had sat across from me patiently, never being patronizing or condescending. If I had been around her in any other circumstance, I probably would have liked her. But she was here to analyze my thoughts, a thought on its own that terrified me.

If I hadn't been so afraid of my own thoughts, I wouldn't have been here now.

Lainey took a sip of her water and went back to holding my gaze. I wondered about where she lived and who she lived with. I wondered why she was here today, listening to me. I wondered what she would think of me, and whether she would even care after our session was over.

"So. . ." I asked her. "Where do you want me to start?"

She leaned forward, as if what I was saying interested her. "The beginning seems as good a place as any."

I resisted the urge to glare at her. Of course the beginning was a good place to start when you were starting a conversation. You don't come into the middle of a TV show, then watch the end, and then the beginning. That was just stupid.

"I, um. . ." I lowered my eyes, surprised at how much I wanted things to come out honestly. "What if I don't know where the start is?"

"I've been around your family for awhile now," she told me. "And I've seen some things. Mind if I take a few guesses?"

I shrugged.

"Did it start when you moved it with Nikolas?"

I shook my head. "I was happy when I moved in with Nikolas."

"Did it start after that?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so."

"Was it when your dad left again?"

I shook my head again. "He's been doing that my entire life. The only time I recognize him is when he's leaving."

"Was it when your mom went back into a catatonic state?"

I shook my head, but didn't say anything. It hadn't started everything, but it still upset me. And I was cranky and, as Lucky had predicted, my head was hurting constantly.

"What about when you had your abortion?"

I was surprised at how easily the words rolled off her tongue. She didn't say it like it was nothing, but didn't avoid the word like most people did. I just shook my head.

"Was it when you slept with Dillon?"

I shook my head again. I closed my eyes before I started to cry, but hot tears picked at my eyelids. I opened them and they fell silently. My voice remained steady.

"I don't think that there was really a start. I mean, obviously there was a start, but I don't think it was any one thing that did it. And eventually I realized it had started, but I didn't know when or how. Does that sound crazy?"

"Not at all. I hear it from a lot of people."

"Once I realized just how bad things had gotten, it was all already over."

She nodded. "So why are you here?"

I shrugged and again wouldn't meet her eyes. "I'm going to be a year behind everyone in college now. I don't like that."

"You know, it's not that uncommon. I took a year off before I went to college."

"You did?" I asked. "Why?"

She hesitated for a minute, and then smiled an almost bittersweet smile. "I'll tell you about it another time. But school isn't the only reason that you're here now, is it?"

"I was hurting people with what I was doing."

"So you're here for them?"

I sighed and finally admitted what I had been afraid to admit all along. "And I was hurting myself."

Lainey nodded slowly. "I'm glad to hear you say that."

I just shrugged. "So I guess that brings me back to my first question."

"Which was?"

"Where do I start?"

"I want you to start wherever you want."

I closed my eyes and traveled back. The memory of me getting here was only too clear. So much around it was fuzzy, but that one moment, the moment I realized what I was doing to other people, my ultimate moment of shame, was still perfectly clear to me.

_"What have you got?" Emily asked Epiphany, coming into the emergency room they had wheeled me into._

_"Teenage Jane Doe," Noah Drake had told her. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. I couldn't tell Emily that it was me._

_"It's not a Jane Doe," Patrick told his dad harshly._

_"Oh my God," Emily said softly before Patrick had a chance to warn her._

_Robin came up to Emily. "Em, you need to get out of here."_

_"Who is that?" Noah asked Patrick._

_"It's her sister in law."_

_Emily stood there, paralyzed, perfectly in my frame of view. She had turned pale and looked sick. She looked like she was going to cry."_

_"Em," Robin said, coming in front of her. Robin covered most of her, but her face was still perfectly visible from where I lay. I didn't think it was possible to feel any lower. But I kept feeling smaller and smaller. "Em, you need to get out of here."_

_"Oh my God," Emily said again._

_"Em, she's family. You know you can't be in here. I'll come get you when I know anything else."_

_"I'm in the middle of my shift."_

_"Not any more," Patrick told her. "Go and wait."_

_I saw her looking at me one more time, before she was ushered out by Robin. But I don't know who was gone first- me, or her._

I shivered, coming back to reality. I still felt unbelievably guilty for that. She had promised me that it wasn't my fault. I didn't know that it had been her before. I pulled my sweater tightly around me. It was a brown oversized sweater, one that Milo had brought for me. It was his college sweatshirt, my favourite to steal from him when I was at his apartment where the air conditioning was always blasting. It smelled like him. With it came a thousand other memories, but all I could focus on was that night in August in the park.

_"I love you," he had whispered to me as we walked through the park after seeing a tacky comedy. He had pulled me into him so that his face was right by mine. His brown eyes looked so warm and vulnerable. When I didn't respond, he kept talking._

_"I'm sorry if it's too soon for me to say it. It just came out. . . I'm sorry. But I love you."_

_I unexpectedly found myself crying. The moon behind him illuminated his face. I couldn't imagine a more perfect night, a more perfect way of saying it. I couldn't imagine anyone I would want more to say those three words to me._

_"Please," I whispered, almost begging. "Please don't say that."_

_"Lulu. . ."_

_I shook my head, and found myself crying harder. "Please don't say that," I repeated, then pulled away and went to sit down on the nearest bench. Milo slowly came over to me. I sat sideways and he sat down behind me, softly pulling my blonde curls back behind my shoulders._

_"What just happened?"_

_"I like you," I had told him. "I think I even might love you."_

_"So what's wrong?"_

_I turned to him. "You can't love me. Every time I love someone something happens to them. And I care about you too much to let that happen to you. So please, please don't love me."_

I opened my eyes again and Lainey was watching me. She didn't look annoyed or amused or anything else that would have made me want to hate her. She watched me like my face was telling her as much as my words ever could.

"I guess," I told her slowly. "I guess it was when I moved in with Nikolas."

She nodded. "Then let's start there."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the positive feedback:) I hope I have you all interested now! This chapter came out differently than I had hoped, but I couldn't seem to rewrite it any differently, so I promise it'll get better from here on in. And don't you worry you Spinelli fans, I promise he'll have his proper place in this story.

* * *

**June**

Lulu

I was watching my Grey's Anatomy DVD's when Tracy came barging into my room. She stumbled slightly, hiccupped, then stood in front of my TV with her hands on her hips. It was the middle of the afternoon, but she smelled like scotch.

I raised my eyebrows. "I'm watching here."

"I can see that. In my house."

Tracy and I had been getting along reasonably well for months. But she didn't look pleased with me, and I didn't have the energy to fight with her. I had spent all morning at Sonny's coffee shop, where I was training to be their new barista. I had started at five-thirty- believe me, I was just as shocked to find out that it came _twice_ a day- and my back hurt. I had hoped to have an afternoon with McDreamy, McSteamy, and possibly a bowl of McIce Cream. No McTracy. Okay, so maybe it was time to stop watching. But that didn't change the fact that I didn't feel like dealing with Tracy.

"It's not your house. Besides, I live here."

"I've noticed. And eat here. And have your friend- Spaghetti? Spumoni? Stratelli? No, wait, Spinelli. . . Spinelli? You have him over."

I sighed and gave up on my show. "What do you want Tracy?"

"Nothing. I don't want anything from you. Or from you father."

"What does he have to do with this?"

"I just hope you're very happy that your mother has once again managed to come between me and my _husband_."

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm not saying anything. I just don't want you to cause me any more trouble while he's gone."

Gone? He was gone again? He left, without even saying goodbye to me? I resisted the urge to get emotional and pretended I knew all about it.

"Don't worry Tracy, I won't be causing any more trouble for you." I wasn't holding up as well as I thought I would, so I quickly cut out of the room and charged out of the house.

* * *

He was going again. And he didn't tell me.

Again.

I didn't have any plan for what I wanted to do after I left. My head was spinning. I felt like everything had broken apart at once, even though it was nothing new or surprising. I took off running from the Quartermaine's house, then slowed down to a jog by the time I made it to Kelly's. I looked in and found Georgie talking and laughing with Dillon. I didn't want to face any of them. I didn't want to deal with anyone. Eventually, I found myself on the Pier where I had to rest with my hands on my knees to try and catch my breath. This was definitely not my best idea. I needed a bottle of water. Or a hot fudge sundae. Probably the hot fudge sundae more though.

"Hell of a time to go for a run, Princess."

I looked up, shocked. My dad was walking towards me, a smile creeping across his face.

"Dad? Tracy said-"

"You didn't think I'd actually leave without saying goodbye to my little girl, did you?"

I faked a smile. "Of course not. I just didn't expect to see you, that's all." We looked at each other, neither really having anything to say to one another. "So. . . you're really leaving again?"

He nodded, his smile fading. "I'm sorry Princess, I need to."

"Why this time?"

He sighed. "The ruling came out on your mother's guardianship this morning."

"Don't tell me Scott Baldwin got it."

"No, no, no judge would be that stupid. But I didn't get it either. I just need some time to. . . regroup."

I nodded, faking sympathy. "Of course."

"I'm sorry to just leave you like this."

"Don't worry about me dad. I'll be fine."

He smiled. "I know you will." He kissed the top of my head and held onto my shoulder. "You take care of yourself, Lesley Lu. I'll be home soon."

And then it came, the moment in which my dad looked the most like the dad I had known my entire life. He walked away.

I felt sick, and my legs were giving out on me. I struggled to sit down on the docks, now that my muscles were starting to tighten up. I was going to be sore as hell when it came time to finally go home, but I didn't care.

Home. Ha.

Where the fuck was that supposed to be?

* * *

Over the past year, something had been happening to me. Something good, I think. Or something that's supposed to be good. I stopped keeping things inside so much. And instead of going and doing something totally self-destructive like getting drunk or trying to hurt someone else, I thought about it and what was bothering me. I cried sometimes. But it hurt too much to do that when it came to my dad. I couldn't deal with him being gone every time I turned around, when I needed him. My mom was gone, but my dad could have been with me. He just chose not to.

And as the sun started to go down over the pier, so did my mood. The anger that I had been feeling was starting to dissipate, leaving just sadness behind. I sat in the sun for what probably was hours. My butt went numb, and my muscles tightened as the temperature dropped and the breeze blew in, but I didn't move. And in what seemed like an instant, the anger was gone, and only I was left behind. Crying. I wouldn't allow myself to move or make a sound, but I needed to let the tears fall.

"Lulu?" a male voice asked from behind me. The runner that I had heard behind me had stopped. I pretended that I was pulling my hair back and tried to wipe my eyes.

"Milo, hi." There he was, all 6'2 of him, flushed and sweaty from his run, slightly out of breath, and with his iPod strapped to his arm. He quickly pulled his ear phones out and crouched down beside me.

"What's going on?" he asked softly.

I couldn't look at him. The tears that I had so carefully and casually tried to wipe away were back, and I didn't want him to see. "Milo, I'm sorry, I know I told you that I would make my decision about which of you I wanted to be with soon but I can't think about it now. I'm sorry." I was rambling and didn't make sense. I really didn't care. I didn't want to deal with them and their crushes, not now.

He stood up, stretched his legs slightly, then sat down beside me, just close enough for our shoulders to touch. "Forget about that for now. It's not important. What's going on with you?"

I shook my head. "It's nothing. I'm fine." Again, I smiled a pretend smile. "Go enjoy your run." I turned back to the water.

Instead of leaving, he slowly tucked the hair that kept falling into my face behind my ear. "Lulu. . ." he whispered.

"My dad left again." I turned to him to see his reaction. I couldn't read what was going through his mind. "I know. . ." my voice cracked, the tears starting again. "I know I'm supposed to be grown up and I should be used to this, I mean, he's been doing this my entire life but. . ." I broke off, sobbing silently.

Milo put his arms around me awkwardly, since we were still sitting beside each other, and I lowered my head to his shoulder. I tried to calm down, but him being so nice about it just made me want to cry harder. He brought one hand up to stroke my shoulder, allowing me to bury myself deeper into him, then pressed his lips against my forehead. "Just because you should be used to it doesn't make it any easier."

I pulled myself together and pulled back from him, just far enough that I could look at him. I had never noticed how soft his eyes were before.

"I'm sorry. . . I just lost it on you there."

"It's okay." He slowly stood up, groaned, then offered me his hand to pull me up. I let him and I groaned louder, my muscles having stiffened. I just stood there watching him.

"Come on," he finally said.

"Where?" I asked, never taking my eyes away from his.

"You look like you're in serious need some ice cream."

* * *

"How did you know?" I asked as he took a seat on the same couch as me as passed me a bowl of ice cream. It was a deep bowl, not the little wimpy diet kind that most people were so fond of. He had filled it with big round scoops, chocolate sauce, caramel sauce, melted peanut butter, strawberries, and dark chocolate chips. The boy knew how to do ice cream right. I took a bite and grinned.

"Know what?" he asked, taking a massive bite and swallowing it immediately. He quickly grimaced. Ice cream headache.

"That this was what I needed?"

"You mean other than your love of the triple chocolate lattés and brownies at the coffee shop?"

I laughed. "Okay, I guess that would give it away." I put my bowl down and tried to cross my legs. They refused. "I guess impromptu runs in the middle of the afternoon without stretching aren't such a good idea, huh?" I pivoted and brought them up onto the couch so I could turn to face him.

"Well, running in flip-flops at any time isn't such a good idea. Here." He slid his hand underneath my right calf to bring it towards him. He stopped suddenly and looked at me in horror.

"Is this okay?" he asked tensely.

I laughed again. "It's fine. Just. . . what are you doing?"

He was slowly rubbing circles over my calf, heat radiating from his hands, making me feel all tingly. "When you exercise, your muscles produce lactic acid. When you're done, you stretch to try and distribute the acid instead of letting it build up, which is what makes you sore. So I'm trying to heat up your muscles so that you can stretch it out.

I found this gesture even more thoughtful than the ice cream. "How do you know all this?"

"I have my undergraduate degree in human kinetics."

"Really? Where did you go?"

"Nowhere important."

"Where?"

He blushed. Actually blushed. "Columbia."

I felt my jaw drop. "Wow. Do. . . I don't want to come off as bitchy or condescending or anything but. . . do you mind if I ask why you're just working for Sonny?"

He smiled. "That's the wrong question."

"What?"

"Everyone, and with good reason, believes that I work for Sonny out of necessity. Most of the people who know me figure it's because I didn't get into med school."

"But?"

"But they're wrong on both counts. I graduated top 10 in my class and got into med school. But I figured out that I didn't really want to be there. My mom had wanted me to stay away from Max and his job and all of that, and I had tried to go in another direction. But I realized that I wanted the life that Max had. I mean, I could have been a doctor but. . . I want a life, I want steady hours. I want to be able to get married and have kids." He had stopped rubbing my leg and was just looking at me now. I shivered.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just cold."

"Sorry, there's something wrong with the air conditioning, it's always freezing in here. And hot in the winter." He got up and leaned over me to try and pull a sweater out from under the pillow I was leaning against. Before he had a change, I pulled him in by his shirt and kissed him.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked Milo hours later after he had offered me his bed instead of going home. I was happy to accept, especially since I didn't know where I was supposed to call home now. It was a little late for him to back out now that I was wearing his clothes, but I wanted to give him the option.

"Yeah, I'm sure," he told me, a smile slowly creeping over his face.

"What?" I asked.

"You just. . . nothing."

"No, tell me."

"You look really good in my sweater,"

I smiled and looked down at the sweater that hung too loosely around me. I would have had to roll up the sleeves to use my hands, but I was so cold that I kept them covered. "Thanks."

"So, um. . . why don't you take the bed, and I'll take the couch?"

"Milo, no, that's not fair. I can sleep on the couch. I can't take your bed."

"I insist."

I bit my lip. The bed looked warm and incredibly comfortable. I just wanted to curl up in it. "Is there anything I can get you?" he asked.

I shook my head and smiled. "I've got everything, thanks." He smiled, then carefully stepped forward to kiss me goodnight.

"I, um, I broke the light this morning. The one beside the bed I mean. This is the only one that works. I'll turn it off when you get into bed."

I smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again. I forced myself to pull back and made my way over to the bed. I climbed under the covers and lay down, only to feel empty.

"Goodnight," Milo whispered from the doorway, turning out the lights. He didn't move. I started to cry again. He couldn't see me or hear me, so I wasn't afraid of him finding out. I just suddenly felt really alone.

"Milo?" I asked the shadow at the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Would you. . . I know this is going to sound weird and I. . . don't feel obligated. . . I just. . . do you. . . could you stay with me tonight?" I sat up in the dark.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"If you want to. I. . . I don't want to be alone tonight."

Wordlessly, he made his way over to the bed and climbed in beside me. He carefully stayed away from the centre of the double bed, probably for my benefit. I rolled over to him though, and put my head down on his chest. Hesitantly, he brought his hand to my head and started stroking my hair.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

I nodded. I felt like the weight had been lifted, the loneliness had passed. I knew that in the morning, there would be Tracy to answer to, home to deal with, life would continue. But for the moment, as far as I was concerned, we were the only two people alive. "Milo?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

I turned my head up to face him, even though I could barely make out his silhouette in the darkness. "For not seeing what was right in front of me all along."

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. He smelled like sandalwood and espresso. I brought my lips to his one more time for another completely intoxicating, dizzying, breath-taking kiss that only the first few kisses can be. "Goodnight."


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks everyone for your patience! I promise there should be multiple chapters in the next week or two. I just had some fairly major surgery, so I'm stuck in bed for awhile, and hopefully it'll give me time to write! This chapter may seem a little more confusing, but I promise it will start to make sense! I hope you like it!_

_

* * *

__Emily_

"What?" I asked, trying not to laugh. I bent down to rub some white streaks left on Spencer's face from the sun block in, and looked up at Nikolas. Spencer was starting to walk now, so we were taking him around the Island, me tightly holding on to one hand and Nikolas holding onto the other.

"I think we should get married now," he repeated.

"Mawied!" Spencer attempted, only to have his pacifier fall out of his mouth. I picked it up and put it in my pocket before he had a chance to try and put it back in his mouth.

"But . . . why now?"

He sighed and picked up Spencer, then turned to face me. "After everything that's happened this year . . . I don't want to wait anymore. I don't think there's any need to wait anymore. I don't want anything big or fancy; I just want to be able to call myself your husband.

I tried not to look shocked. "You're serious."

"Completely. I mean, if you want something big, it's not even too late to plan a wedding. I'm sure that Carly would let us use the Metrocourt and-"

I kissed him. "Stop talking," I whispered. "You don't need to sound like you're apologizing by asking me to marry you. I don't care if we only do it here, I don't want anything big. I just want to marry you too."

"Mawied!" Spencer squealed again.

"That right," Nikolas told Spencer. "How would you feel about Emily becoming your mama?"

"Mama?" he asked with a puzzled look.

"We'll work on that," he promised me. "So, really? This weekend?"

I took a deep breath and smiled. "Really. This weekend."

He kissed me again, and Spencer started clapping. Or at least as well as a one year old could clap. I grinned, and he put Spencer down.

"You're getting too heavy for me to carry around," he told Spencer. "Now what do you say we go back home? We've got lots of planning to do." We both took his hands again and set off towards the house.

* * *

Lulu was waiting for us when we came in. She was sitting on the sofa, looking nervous. 

"Lulu, what's going on?" Nikolas asked when she didn't say anything.

"I need to talk to you guys."

"Both of us?"

"I think. . . kinda."

Nikolas looked at her, then over at me. "I'll put Spencer down for his nap and be out."

"Is everything okay?" I asked, taking a seat facing her on the sofa.

"Emily, I know you and Nikolas just got back together and there's been so much insanity lately, and this couldn't come at a worse time, but this was the best solution I could come up with."

"You know you can come to us anytime," I assured her. She was looking increasingly upset, and I was getting increasingly worried. I tried to figure out the best way to ask her what was going on, but before I could come up with anything, Nikolas came back out. I felt relieved, then guilty for feeling relieved. Nikolas had never had any sisters growing up, from what I had heard never even any girlfriends before Elizabeth's sister, Sarah. He had an excuse for being clueless when it came to any problem with Lulu. I, on the other hand, had been a teenage girl not that long ago and felt like I was supposed to know how to act and what to say and do. But I felt equally clueless.

"So," Nikolas said, sounding slightly annoyed, taking a seat beside me. "I had an angry voicemail from Edward. Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?"

She nodded. "It's. . . part of it." Lulu adored Nikolas, no matter how it came off sometimes, and she was afraid of disappointing him. She looked even more nervous than before.

"I, um. . . my dad left," she said softly, looking down. "Again."

I didn't need to look at Nikolas to see his reaction. "What happened this time?" he asked, not even feigning surprise.

"He didn't say," she said softly. "But that wasn't the problem so much as. . . Tracy's fallen for my dad. And when he left, she basically held me responsible. She was really mad. So I left. And didn't go back last night. Hence the angry phone call from Edward."

"Please don't tell me you were off with that kid. . . Spaghetti?"

"Spin_elli_. And no, I wasn't with him."

"Then where were you?"

"That's not really the issue," she said quickly. "I just. . . I don't know where else to go. And I know it's not fair for me to be asking, because I know you and Emily just got back together, but. . ." she looked at him through her think eyelashes. "I don't know where to go."

Nikolas was quiet for a minute. "You want to move in with us?"

"Unless you can come up with another idea. . . then yes."

Nikolas sighed. I didn't let him think about it though. "Of course you can move in with us," I told her.

"Really?" she asked, the first makings of a smile I had seen from her all day spreading across her face.

"We'll have to establish some ground rules first," Nikolas interjected. He wasn't happy. But there was no way I was going to say no to her. "But first, I'm going to call Edward and let him know you're okay." He excused himself and left Lulu and I alone again.

"Thanks Emily," she said softly.

"You're Nikolas' sister. I'm not going to force you to live somewhere you don't want to live. Besides, I know Tracy's been a particular breed of crazy for awhile, and it's not fair to make you deal with that."

"Thank you," she repeated, and before I knew what was happening, she had her arms wrapped around me.

_

* * *

_

_Lulu_

After I finished with Lainey, I went back to my room. They had told me another two weeks before I could leave. I didn't want to ignore what they said, but I didn't think I could handle two more weeks in a place I didn't belong. I opened my door to find Spinelli sitting on my bed in a set of scrubs, but still with his signature beanie.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, suddenly self conscious of my appearance. Since I had been here all I had worn were sweats and messy buns. I hadn't seen him since. . . before.

"Greetings Blonde One."

"How did you get in here?"

"The jackal made himself a functional maintenance pass."

"Okay, but . . . why?"

He dropped the laugh that seemed to be embedded into his speech. "I wanted to see you. And apologize."

"For what?"

"You being here. . . it's sort of my fault. Well. . . completely."

I shook my head. "No Spinelli. . . the only person responsible for me being here is me."

"But it was I who-"

I shook my head. "It wasn't your fault." As much as I was glad to finally have a visitor- a visitor I wasn't allowed, mind you- but a visitor nonetheless, I was tired from my session with Laniey and wanted to crawl into bed. "Look, I appreciate you coming, but if they catch you in here, I'll be in trouble."

"Not to worry, Blonde One," he assured me, the lilt back in his voice. "The Jackal just wanted to make sure that he couldn't be of service." He nodded a goodbye, and quickly disappeared from my room.

I sat down on my bed and found a letter, a bag from Sonny's coffee shop, and a magazine sitting beside my phone. As he did every day when he got off from work, Milo had dropped something off for me. Even though he couldn't see me, he would walk up whatever he had brought me and make sure that it was left for me in my room. Since we didn't have access to e-mail in the hospital, he always left a letter. It didn't always say much, but always ended with _I love you_. I had memorized his handwriting. I loved the way ever single letter was perfectly detached from the others, how the letters slanted to the right, how he dotted his "I"s with the same lines he used to cross his "t"s, and how most importantly, I could count on it being there every time I opened a letter. I still wasn't used to that. I wanted to trust that it would still be there tomorrow, but I wasn't there. At least not yet.

In the bag, he had a couple of mini-biscotti's, two triple chocolate brownies, and a couple of caramel chocolate cookies. I was going to be 300 pounds by the time I left here, but the treats reminded me of him, of just sitting in the coffee shop for hours with nothing to do but be together.

Sonny had been great with him after everything had happened with me. He had offered him time off, alternate assignments, whatever would help Milo. Especially after he found out what me being in the hospital had done to Emily. I knew he and Emily had been together between the two times that she had been married to Nikolas, and he seemed to be willing to do anything for her and the people she loved. Of course, she never would ask him- or anyone else- for anything. But he was there for anything she needed. And as a result, he had offered to do anything and everything to make my life easier. Unfortunately, money and power did nothing to help me.

I picked up the magazines to find the latest copies of Cosmo, Marie Claire, and The Economist. I smiled. I had to give him points for trying. He wanted to make sure I had something for whatever mood I was in. I pulled a cookie out of the bag, opened the Marie Claire, and sat back on my bed to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

_Lulu_

Once we had established rules, Nikolas relaxed about me living with him. Well, as relaxed as Nikolas could be, which wasn't relaxed like normal people. But he and Emily were planning on getting remarried in four days, and they had more important things to worry about. I settled into one of the huge rooms in his house, convinced him that I needed satellite TV, and finally got him to agree to let me rename one of his horses.

"So," I said to Milo two days before the wedding, sitting across from me at a table on my break from work. "You're coming on Saturday, right?"

"As long as your brother doesn't decide to have me killed first, I'll be there."

I looked at my watch, took a sip of his iced mocha, and stood up. "I've gotta get back." I hesitated, then leaned in to kiss him. A relationship in general was new to me. I didn't know the rules. I didn't know if it was okay to kiss him goodbye every time I saw him, or if I was his girlfriend, or if it was okay for me to kiss him in public. I kissed him quickly, then pulled back even faster, unsure if what I was doing was okay. He caught me before I had a chance to pull far back, and slid a hand around the name of my neck, and pulled me back in for a longer kiss. He grinned, then reluctantly let me go. I felt a trail of goosebumps spring up violently under his touch.

"I'll miss you," he whispered.

I smiled. "You work seven feet away from me. You won't get a chance to miss me."

"I'll miss you anyways."

"You're cute." I grinned again, then turned and sprinted into the shop. I grabbed my apron and ran behind the counter before Michelle, my supervisor, had a chance to say anything about being late.

"Do you want me on bar?" I asked her.

"Yeah, can you hold the floor for a little while? I have to finish up some training in the back."

"Training?" I asked. "But you just hired me."

"I know, but business is picking up much faster now that _she's_ been seen here," she explained softly, glancing over at Kate Howard who I hadn't noticed on the corner.

"Oh, okay. So who's the new barista?"

"That would be me."

I whipped around, afraid that I would see exactly who it sounded like. And my fears were confirmed when I saw Maxie standing behind me, her arms folded over her chest and her signature scowl on her face.

"You've gotta be kidding me," I muttered.

"You two already know each other?" Michelle asked. She smiled. "Good, this should make things easier. Anyways, Lulu, you keep things under control here, I'll be back soon."

As soon as she went into the back room, I cringed. Maxie? I would have to spend all summer with Maxie? Ugg.

This was going to be one long summer.

* * *

_Robin_

"I don't see why you're making such a big deal about this," I exclaimed with an exasperated sigh.

"I'm not making a big deal about this!" Patrick retorted defensively.

"Yes, you are. All I'm saying is that I want to put of four trip to New York City for a week so that I can be here for Nikolas and Emily's wedding."

"No, no, those weren't your words. So you can be _in_ Nikolas and Emily's wedding."

"There's no one coming! She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I said yes."

"Is this all a hint?"

"What?"

"You talking about the wedding. About how romantic it is that they're doing this spur-of-the-moment? Is this your subtle way of telling me you want to get married?"

"What? You're paranoid. I don't know how much of this you were here for, but Nikolas and Emily have been married before. And I just thought that it would be nice, seeing as Nikolas broke off his engagement to Emily to pretend he was in love with me to protect me from Mr. Craig, it would be nice to show a little support."

"That's all it is?" he asked, raising one eyebrow. I hated when he did that. It always reminded me that I couldn't life just one eyebrow.

"That's all. I _promise_." I pushed him back against his locker and kissed him. "Now you're late for your shift, and I'm going home. I have a wedding to plan."

"Excuse me?"

"Emily's wedding. Relax. Seriously." I kissed him again, then pulled back from him. "Jealousy and brooding suit you. Insecurity doesn't."

"Fine," he conceded. "I'll see you at home?"

"Absolutely." I kissed him once more, then watched him run out to avoid Epiphany's wrath. I changed out of my scrubs and quickly made my way out of the hospital. Patrick was insane. Insane and paranoid. I really didn't have any interest in getting married. I just wanted to go to the wedding. In fact, I had decided that I couldn't marry him. I loved him too much to do that to him.

There was finally a breeze in the insane heat wave we'd been having, so I decided to walk over to Sonny's coffee shop before driving home. I went in to find Lulu standing at the counter, handing a customer change.

"Hi Robin," she greeted me cheerily.

I looked at her suspiciously. "What are you up too?"

"What do you mean?"

"That big fake smile on your face. What's going on?"

"If I don't keep this big fake smile on my face, I may in fact kill someone," she leaned in to explain.

I laughed. "And why's that."

"Because I just found out that Maxie Jones is working here now. I mean, it's bad enough that I have to live in the same town and go to the same university as her, but now- oh my God, Robin, I'm sorry, I totally forgot that she was your cousin. I didn't mean-"

I laughed. "It's fine. She's my cousin, but I'll concede that she's a pain in the ass sometimes."

"I'm really sorry," she told me again. "Can I get you a drink? And maybe a lobotomy?"

I ignored her last comment. "Yeah, can you make me that chocolately-vanilla iced latte thing you made me yesterday?"

"What size?"

"Large. And actually, can you make it a decaf? I just finished my shift and I want to get some sleep."

"Sure," she told me, now smiling genuinely and turning to the syrups behind the counter. She went to pump the chocolate sauce and vanilla syrup, and when she turned back to the bar, she had a large chocolate stain on her apron.

"Occupational hazard," she explained to me. "The mocha pump is designed so that any time I reach anywhere around it, it stains my apron."

"That's an occupational hazard?" I asked.

"We call it mocha boob because of the unfortunate placement of the stain. It goes well with whip-cream-sleeve, chai arm, and espresso hair."

"Espresso hair?"

"Sonny insists on everything top-quality. And the best espresso- in theory, at least, is made when you actually have to pull she shot yourself and as a result, espresso powder flies around a lot and you end up with espresso grounds in your hair." She put the drink on the counter, with a generous layer of whipped cream, chocolate shavings, and caramel sauce piled on top.

"God, you're good," I told her, trying not to drool over the toppings. "I didn't even have to ask."

She shrugged with a smile. "Well, everyone knows that if your barista puts toppings on your drink that you didn't ask for, then calories don't count."

I smiled. "Don't you dare ever tell Patrick that I drink this."

She smiled back. "My lips are sealed." I opened the straw that she had put beside the drink, took a sip, then put it down and pulled a ten out of my purse.  
"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing."

"Lulu, seriously, how much is it?"

She lowered her voice. "Sonny's given us strict instructions on who we can charge for drinks and who we can't. We're not allowed to charge you. Against store policy. Sorry." She smiled, clearly not sorry at all.

Sonny emerged from his office beside me, a deformed ceramic mug in hand. "Is this how you treat all your customers?" I asked him with a smile.

"What, is Lulu giving you trouble?"

"She won't let me pay!"

"Good to hear, otherwise I'd have to fire her."

"Sonny, let me pay for my drinks."

"Never."

"Fine." I took my ten and stuck it into their tips jar.

"Can you get me-"

"Double espresso with a coffee cream between the shots?" Lulu replied, taking the mug from him.

"See," he told me, gesturing towards Lulu. "This is why I hired her." He sat down at one of the café tables to wait and gestured for me to join him. "How have you been?"

"I'm good," I told him truthfully, taking a spoonful of the toppings. "I've been busy with work."

"And things since Mr. Craig?"

I smiled. "Patrick and I are back together, if that's what you mean."

Sonny shrugged. "Well, I won't deny I'm happy that things worked out for you two, but I still don't think he's good enough for you."

I laughed. "Might I remind you that there have only ever been two guys you've ever thought were good enough for me?"

"I have high standards for the people I care about. But things really are good?"

"I'm happy, Sonny. Happier than I thought I'd ever be after Stone died."

"Glad to hear it." He took the espresso cup that Lulu had placed beside him and took a sip. "Why don't you come for dinner on Saturday? Michael and Morgan would love to see you."

"I can't. I've got a wedding to go to."

"Whose wedding?"

"Nikolas and Emily are getting remarried." The stupidity of what I had said didn't hit me until after I had finished saying it. I didn't know how things were between him and Emily. He hadn't really been with anyone since things had ended with her. He undoubtedly still cared about her, but I didn't know how much.

"Relax, Robin," Sonny assured me, seeing the look on my face. "Emily and I are just friends. I'm happy for her."

"Good." I looked down at my watch. "I'd better get going, but it was really good seeing you. Can I take a raincheck on the dinner?"

"I'll hold you to it," he warned.

"That's fine." I said good-bye to him, shouted a good-bye to Lulu, and left.

* * *

_Emily_

Since I had the day off, I had given Spencer's new nanny the day off and offered to take him. After running around with him all morning, I was exhausted and had drifted off to sleep beside him when I put him down for his nap.

But I woke up with my heart pounding not long after falling asleep. I looked around my room and tried to adjust to my reality. Somehow things had happened so quickly lately that I hadn't had time to think about the realities of what was happening.

The past six months had been a blur. Nikolas and I had reconciled, and Spencer had been taken. We found Spencer, and then we were taken hostage at the Metro Court. My dad had died. Nikolas had broken things off with me for the sake of trying to protect me, but we'd once again made it through and were back together. I was getting remarried to Nikolas. I was going to be Spencer's mother. Suddenly, breathing wasn't coming quite so easily to me.

I stumbled out of bed to the washroom and splashed cold water on my face. I was still having trouble inhaling. I braced myself against the sink and tried to calm myself down.

"Everything okay?" I looked back to find Nikolas behind me.

"Yeah," I told him, feeling my pulse go back to normal. "I just had a bad dream or something."

"Well, I have just the cure for that," he offered.

"What?" I asked with a smile.

"The bakery just delivered 15 wedding cake samples."

"Sounds perfect."

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah, it was just a bad dream. I'll meet you in the kitchen?"

"Sure."

He left and I stayed braced against the sink. A bad dream. A momentary panic. That's all it was.

I hoped.


	5. Chapter 5

September

Lulu

There was a knock at my door. I quickly took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. I looked down at the magazine I had opened in front of me. I knew that half the female nurses didn't ask before coming in, and I didn't want them to ask why I had been crying.

"Yeah?" I called.

The door opened and Patrick came in. The nice thing about being in general hospital when visitors weren't allowed was that I knew half the staff already. Those who wanted to could come to see me. This didn't look like a personal visit though. He was flipping through my increasingly fat folder.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, looking up.

I shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Any chills, nausea, headaches or fever?"

"All of the above."

He perched himself at the edge of my bed. "It will get better, you know."

"That's what I hear." He stuck his stethoscope in his ears and put it against my back. He had me inhale and exhale a couple of times, then wrote something down in my chart and put it aside.

"How are you really doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean other than medically."

"I've been better."

"You've been talking to Lainey?"

"Yeah."

"You know we're all behind you on this, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Emily, Robin, Nikolas, and I are ready to help you with anything you need. I can't speak for your brother or Elizabeth, but I'd be willing to bet that they would too."

"I doubt that Emily will ever be able to look at me again."

"Why's that?"

"You saw her when I came into the ER. And I haven't seen her since."

"She cares about you. Seeing you like that would have been upsetting for anyone. Yes, Emily took it especially hard. But you have to understand where she's coming from."

"I do understand! Look where I am!"

"Listen, Lulu, you know I tell it like it is, and I know a lot of people choose not to hear me because of it. So you can either take what I'm about to say as truth, or you can write me off as an ass. I don't care either way."

"Okay."

"You're a smart kid. What happened wasn't good, but it's not the end of the world. You can get past this, and it doesn't have to define who you become. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. And if I hadn't been so intent on proving that I'm not my father, I probably would have ended up right where you are."

"Really?"

"Really." His pager went off and he looked down. "I have to go, but I'll come by to check on you soon." He got off the bed, made it to the door, then stopped and looked at me. "Lainey's probably told you that you have to accept responsibility for your decisions, right?"

"Yeah."

"That part's true. Just remember it's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

"Not everything that led up to it. And the sooner you begin to believe that, the sooner you'll stop hating yourself."

* * *

June

"Emily?" I called, trying to find her room in the long hallway. I felt like an idiot for forgetting which one it was, and with the doors closed, all the rooms looked the same.

"In here!" she shouted from the door furthest from me. I made my way as quickly as I could in stiletto heels and a robe. Nikolas had rented out a little chapel, the same that he and Emily had originally been married in, and we were trying to get ready in the bridal room.

Emily had asked me to be her maid of honour. At first, I had asked her to ask Elizabeth, but she had insisted that I was the one she wanted up there. She kept reminding me that I was going to be her family. I had never really had a steady family before. I liked it. But now she and I were rushing around the back halls, trying to get ready for what felt like a shot-gun wedding. I came into the room and found her dabbing at her eyes.

"Emily? What's wrong?"

She looked up at me and smiled. "It's nothing. It's just an emotional day."

I walked over to her. I still wasn't good at this part. I reached out and put my hand on top of hers. She looked up and smiled.

"I always wanted a sister," I told her in a feeble attempt to make her feel better. _Sister_, I thought to myself. _Family_.

Alan. She was getting married without Alan there to give her away. Somehow the thought hadn't crossed my mind until then. She hadn't asked anyone to do it. I thought quickly of the people who were coming who might give her away. Lucky? It seemed strangely appropriate with him being her new brother and all. Edward? He was acting all crabby about the wedding, but he had a soft spot for her. If she asked, he'd do it. And Jason. Jason had called just before we had left the house to say he was coming.

"Thanks," she told me in what sounded like a sincere tone. "I know it's my wedding day and I should be happy, but I can't stop thinking. . ."

"About Alan?"

"About him. About my real mom. I made it through the first time without her. It just never occurred to me that I might do it again without Alan. Don't get me wrong, Lulu. I know how lucky I am to have had the Quartermaines take me in the way they did, and I know how lucky I am to be getting to call you, Lucky, and Spencer." She looked up, and any sadness that she felt seemed to disappear. "But, enough about that, we need to get ready!"

They had decided on a small ceremony. There were only about 20 people coming, and Emily had very clearly requested that instead of wedding presents, they make a donation to charity. She had chosen a simple, plain white dress, and had given me the choice of any dress that I wanted.

We both got dressed, and I fixed her make-up and hair. She looked like a princess. I supposed that made sense, since technically she was marrying a prince.

"Are you ready?" I asked her.

Any doubt she had been having was gone. She smiled at me. "Lead on."

* * *

"I know I'm probably going to get killed for this," Milo whispered to me at the reception, "but you look beautiful."

I turned around to see him properly. Since I had been at the altar with Emily, he had been forced to sit at the back with Jason, getting uncomfortable glances from everyone. I smiled at him and he leaned down to kiss me. Despite my three inch heels, he still stood five inches above me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lucky watching us.

"Don't look now," I whispered, keeping my head right by his, "but I think my brother's trying to figure out how he can kill you and make it look like an accident."

He grinned. "Is that a problem for you?"

"Can't say it is."

"Then I'm going to stay here. And I'd say there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to kiss you again." Staying true, he leaned in and kissed me again. "Is he like this with all the guys you date?"

I pulled back slightly. "I don't know, I haven't really dated much." I spotted a waiter going by with a tray of champagne and I grabbed two flutes. Nikolas was getting ready to speak. I handed one glass to Milo and turned around to listen. Milo slid one hand around to pull me into him. I smiled and put my hand on top of his, lacing our fingers together. I rested my head against his shoulder, and felt a wave of emotions rush over me. You know that feeling when you realize that the person you've always wanted to be, or what you've always wanted has come true? With his arm around me I felt an odd sense of security. I felt like I had found what I had found in Dillon, back before I knew better. But I wasn't lying to Milo. He had seen me upset, and he had seen me hurt, and it didn't seem to faze him at all. I didn't feel like I had to censor myself around him. I just got to be.

I didn't know how anyone could ever ask for anything more.

* * *

Milo took the launch back to the island with me. Nikolas probably wouldn't have approved of us being there alone, but I had left out Milo when he was making the rules for me moving in with him. So _technically_ speaking, I wasn't breaking any rules.

"I had a really good time," he told me. He had draped his jacket over my shoulders when we got off the launch, the air being much cooler than I had anticipated. I didn't have to ask. We were walking fairly aimlessly around the island, his arm carefully wrapped around my shoulder and helping me keep balanced more than I would have liked to admit. Between the multiple glasses of wine, high heels, and uneven ground, I was an accident waiting to happen. I looked up to the clearing I had found earlier in the week and pulled Milo over. Surrounded by trees, this one place was sloped enough to see the moonlight on the water, and clear enough to be able to see the stars around the trees.

"What is this place?" he asked.

"Just a place a found. Living on an island can be interesting sometimes, you know." I turned around, leaving his hands on my shoulders, and leaned up to kiss him. I kicked off my shoes, then sat down in the middle of the clearing.

"What are you doing?" he laughed.

"Get down here and see."

Reluctantly, he sat down beside me. "Wow."

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he agreed softly. "But I wasn't talking about the view."

I turned to him to find him looking at me. The moonlight softened his chocolate coloured eyes. Slowly, I lay back against the ground. He followed.

"I never would have picked out for a nature girl."

"I'm not. It's just so pretty." I rolled over to him a put my head on his shoulder. He brought one arm around me, fingertips brushing against my bare shoulders.

"You really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"

I smiled again but again tried to brush it off. "I think you had a little too much champagne."

He took the hint and dropped it. "Tell me a secret," I told him.

"A secret?"

"Yeah," I told him, rolling over so that my body was perpendicular to his. I was still lying on his chest, but I could see at him when he was speaking. "It doesn't have to be a big secret. Just something nobody else knows."

He thought for a minute. "My favourite movie is Crash."

"No one else knows that?"

"I don't think so. How about this- I'm a closeted Jack Johnson fan."

"I never would have guessed that."

"Does it count as a secret?"

"I guess it does."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Tell me a secret about you."

"I have no idea who Jack Johnson is."

He laughed. "That counts as a secret?"

"I guess not. Then how about this?" I sat up enough to bring my face to his. "Tonight, the whole night, but especially right now, is the best night I've ever had."

"Really?" he asked, a soft look on his face.

"Really." He kissed me again. I leaned back to give him more freedom to move and he rolled over on top of me.

My heart pounded madly. He kissed my mouth, then slowly started taking detours around my ears and neck. This was the part I was really bad at. Was this is? Was I supposed to sleep with him right away?

"What wrong?" he asked, pulling back.

"Milo. . . I don't know how this is supposed to work."

"How what is?"

"This. The relationship thing and when I'm supposed to do what and how to respond and. . . I'm rambling."

"There's no schedule," he told me. "There's nothing you're supposed to do. I just want whatever makes you happy."

"Really?"

He looked almost hurt. "Of course I want you to be happy."

"I'm not good at this. I haven't been in a relationship before, not any. And I've hardly been around healthy relationships in my life, so I don't know how this works."

"We'll figure it out," he promised. He pushed back my hair from my face and I leaned in to kiss him again. No expectations. Just be happy. I could actually just be with him and not worry about what happened next? This was all new and different, but exciting. Instead of thinking, I allowed my brain to stop functioning for a minute and concentrate on him. His kisses turned my mind to mush and took my breath away. His touch made every nerve ending in my body stand up.

I didn't know if this was how it was supposed to be, or how it was supposed to say, but I knew that in that moment I finally felt alive. Maybe for the first time ever.

_Please_, I prayed. _Please just let this go on forever_.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_Lulu_

Two weeks of working with Maxie was getting to be more than I could take. Not only was she a pain, but she was really bad at her job and made herself extra annoying to compensate for it. Despite this, I was taking all the hours I could get in the day, when I could be by Milo. Both Sonny and the assistant manager really liked me, and were happy to give me what I wanted. So I did my work, and I did it well, and when I wasn't busy, I got to look at Milo. I really couldn't complain about the job.

Things with Milo were going incredibly well. Since the night of Nikolas and Emily's wedding, he had made sure that I knew that he wasn't going to try anything and really did just want to make me happy. I had spent almost every evening with him. Nikolas and Lucky had both insisted on meeting him, but I'd been able to get him out of it every time so far. He had taken the day off to go visit his mom for her birthday, so I was stuck on my own at work. He had offered to bring me, but that just seemed like too much, too soon. And I wasn't exactly the type of girl that boys wanted to bring home to meet their mothers. Anyways, Spinelli and I had made plans to go to Kelly's after I finished, and I was looking forward to the next couple of hours being over.

"Could I get a triple non-fat cappuccino?" Kate Howard asked distractedly, scrolling through her cell phone. Michelle had insisted on me letting Maxie make the drinks today, so I stood back and watched her fumble with the machine. She put the milk on to froth, then came over and punched in into the cash register.

"Actually Maxie-" I started, but she completely ignored me.

"That'll be $3.75," she announced with her usual smug smile. She didn't like Kate, and was looking for an excuse to piss her off.

Kate looked up, surprised. "Oh, no, I know you're still new here- well, you should know this by now- but I don't pay."

"Well, Sonny's not here, now is he?"

I nudged her out of the way. "Maxie, your milk's about to overflow." She grudgingly went to finish the drink. I cleared the register. "Sorry about her, she's. . . well, there's really no excuse for her."

"I have to say, I'm surprised Sonny puts up with this kind of incompetence."

"Sonny likes to give everyone a chance." I lowered my voice. "Although she is definitely pushing those boundaries."

"Here you go," Maxie announced with a smile, putting the mug down in front of her. She took a sip and made a face.

"What is this? Whole milk? I asked for _skim_."

"Oh, _I'm sorry_," she said in a mock-sincere tone. "But we do have to give priority to our _paying_ customers."

"I'll get your drink for you in a second," I told her, taking the cup back and shooting Maxie a dirty look. I quickly steamed the milk and finished it with the fat-free-calorie-free-sugar-free chocolate powder on top that Sonny had ordered just for her drinks. I passed it to her at the cash. "Sorry about the confusion."

She rummaged through her purse and pulled a couple of bills out of her wallet. "This was hardly your fault. You're not responsible for her." She tossed the bills into the tip cup. "That's a fabulous necklace, by the way."

I waited for her to be out of earshot before I turned to Maxie. "What's your problem? If Sonny says he doesn't want us to charge someone, we don't charge them."

"Please, like she can't afford it."

"It's not about that. It's about him wanting to do something nice for his friends and _for us_. Have you seen the tips we get when we don't charge them?"

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest. "Listen, Lulu, you may have a pretty new boyfriend and a brand new house, but that doesn't make you any different that the bitch who broke up my sister and Dillon by sleeping with him. So don't you dare get high and mighty on me when you know that you're no better than me."

In an attempt to keep calm, I put the dishtowel in my hands down on the counter. "You know, Maxie, whatever you may think of me and what I've done, I'm just trying to do my work properly. I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same. Take over for me, I'm going on my fifteen."

I waited until I was in the break room before I allowed myself to get mad. She was bringing that up because I hadn't charged Kate for a drink? I had tried to move on. I wasn't proud of what I had done, and I wasn't denying that I had done it. But I was trying to change, and she kept bringing it up every time she got a chance. Unfortunately, it was getting to me.

I worked mostly in silence with Maxie the rest of the afternoon and was relieved when Alyssa came in to take over for me.

"Is she getting any better?" she whispered, pulling me aside.

"Nope."

"God, this is going to be a long evening. Is that beautiful boy-toy of yours coming to pick you up?"

"Nope, I've got other plans. I'll see you tomorrow."

I said good-bye to her, then headed outside to wait for Spinelli in the sun. Unfortunately, what Maxie said kept on bugging me. I knew it was approaching the time of year when things had happened last year, and I wanted so badly to believe that I had changed since then. I was just afraid that I hadn't changed enough, and that somehow I was going to revert back to my old ways.

Spinelli came charging out of the coffee shop, laptop in hand and his bag trailing behind him. He looked up at me, surprised that I was there.

"Blonde One," he greeted breathlessly. "What are you doing here?"

"We were meeting for dinner. Remember?"

He smiled. "Apologies."

"What's going on?"

"The Jackal may have angered the Pacino-like one a little."

I raised my eyebrows. "What did you do?"

"The Jackal doesn't want to bore the Blonde One with details. He would recommend however that The Jackal and the Blonde One leave immediately."

I stifled a laugh. Spinelli was always good for a laugh. I felt a little bad about how much Sonny scared him, but I also enjoyed watching him being kept in place. Following his request, we took off towards the park. On his way, he rummaged through his bag and pulled something out which he kept tightly held against side. Finally we reached an empty area and he sat down. With shaking fingers, he lit a cigarette and held it to his lips. I sniffed the air and hit his leg.

"Spinelli, is that _pot_!?" I mouthed the last word silently.

"Apologies, Blonde One. Death threats necessitate such ambrosias to aid in the calming process. The Jackal will immediately cease use of the cannabis if it makes the Blonde One uncomfortable."

"It really calms you down?"

"Mellow as Jello," he laughed. I looked down at the joint in his hand.

"Could I try it?"

He sat up straight and stared at me with wide eyes. "The Jackal would be happy to oblige, but is that what the Blonde One wants?"

"I've just got. . . a lot on my mind. I thought it might help."

Spinelli looked over his shoulder, then passed the join over to me. I looked down and felt my fingers start to shake. This wasn't something I had tried before, and I felt vaguely like it was a step in the wrong direction. But it didn't matter. I took it and held it up to my lips.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Milo asked me a couple of nights later. We were at his apartment with a movie on in the background, but we were curled up on the sofa together, kissing.

"Nothing," I told him, plastering a smile on my face.

He pulled back. "Lulu. . ."

I shook my head. "It's fine."

He pulled back enough to study me. I leaned my head against his sofa and closed my eyes. He brought his hand up to my shoulder and slowly traced his fingers across. "Everything's not fine," he whispered.

I opened my eyes, not surprised to find that tears were forming behind my eyes. "Milo, I'm not the person you think I am."

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged his hand off of me and pulled my knees into my chest. "I don't know why, but you seem to think I'm a good person."

"You are."

I shook my head. The action made the tears fall from my eyes. "No, I'm not."

"Lulu. . . what's this about?"

"Last year. . . a year ago today, actually, I had a crush on Dillon. A big one. And I thought that I was entitled to him because of that, even though he had a girlfriend who he loved a lot. So I hatched up a plan with Diego, Alcazar's son. And the result was that. . . was that I convinced Dillon that Georgie was cheating on him, and I slept with him."

He hesitated before saying anything. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"It gets worse. Remember that thing with Enduro Condoms last year when they had the bad batch?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I ended up on the losing end of that bad batch. So I got pregnant."

He nodded slowly. "What did you do?"

"I'm not proud of this," I told him softly. "But I had an abortion."

He got up and picked up a blanket from the opposite couch and draped it over my shoulders. It wasn't until he did that I realized just how cold I was. But I didn't think the gesture was so much to be nice, but to buy himself some time to think. He took a seat closer to me.

"Please say something," I whispered. _Please don't hate me_.

"This doesn't make you a bad person."

"I just thought you should know what you're getting yourself into."

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded, trying not to cry anymore. "Why is it that you think I'm going to break things off with you the second things aren't perfect?"

"Because that's the only thing I've ever known."

"That's not who I am."

I smiled, despite the tears still rolling down my cheeks. "You're going to have to give me some time to get used to this," I laughed.

"I'll give you as much time as you need. Take forever if you want. I'm in this, Lulu. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

I made it back to Wyndmere by midnight like Nikolas had asked, but found that no one was home. I still couldn't shake the memories of the same night the year before, and despite Milo's assurances, I didn't feel okay with myself. I changed into my pajamas, then sat out on the terrace that led out from my room.

The night had cooled off considerably, but the breeze was still warm. My shoulders felt tense, and I couldn't seem to stop crying. I didn't know why I was getting so emotional over the anniversary of me officially becoming the biggest bitch around, but I didn't feel it leaving anytime soon. I sighed and out of my purse pulled out the joint that I had pulled out of Spinelli's stash when he was distracted. I looked around to see if there was any sign of anyone coming, then before I could stop myself, lit it.

_

* * *

_

What felt like only minutes after I had fallen asleep, the lights in my room were turned on. I groaned and pulled my pillow over my head.

"I hate you," I grumbled to whatever doctor had decided to wake me up. They pulled the pillow off my head and I found Patrick standing over me.

"That's okay, I'm used to it. Can you sit up for me?"

I sat up and complied with his requests. "Why are you here again?" I asked.

"Last time I checked I was still a doctor at this hospital."

"I know. I just mean you're a neurologist."

"Well, I've been tracking your case since you got here and I'm still concerned about the seizures you've been having."

"Is it bad?"

"Relatively, no. You got really lucky. You could have easily fried your brain."

"I know," I said softly.

"Still having headaches?"

"Yeah. And I'm tired."

"Like you want to sleep all day?"

"Yeah."

"That's the withdrawal. It'll pass eventually."

"That's what you say about everything."

"Well it's true for everything. You did some pretty major damage to your body, Lulu. Your entire brain chemistry is off right now."

"No one ever told me it would suck this much to stop."

"I'm guessing no one ever told you it would be a good idea to start."

"Do you always something to say?"

"Pretty much. I wouldn't be wasting my breath if I didn't think you were going to listen."

"Why do you still seem to think so highly of me after what I've done."

"I see a lot of stupid people do a lot of stupid things. You get used to it after awhile. You're a smart kid who got caught up in something stupid."

"So there's some sort of redeeming me after this?"

"You've seen what Emily's managed to do with her life. I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do the same."

There was a knock at the open door, and Lainey stood waiting patiently. "Sorry to interrupt."

"Not a problem, I'm just finishing up."

"Thanks." She turned her attention to me. "Get dressed."

I groaned. "What time is it?"

"Almost 10."

"I'll see you later," Patrick said to me, then nodded at Lainey as he left. She left the room and closed the door softly behind her. I did as she asked and showered and changed, but then sat down on the bed. I couldn't do this. Finally, Lainey knocked on the door. When I didn't respond, she opened the door. Instead of telling me to get up, she silently made her way over to my bed and sat down beside me.

"I know this is hard for you," she finally said.

"Can I just say I won't go?"

"You could, but what are you going to accomplish that way?"

I closed my eyes, swallowed hard, then opened them again. "Okay. Let's do this."

Lainey reached over and squeezed my hand. "I'm proud of you, Lulu."

* * *

Minutes later, we were sitting in the room Lainey had led me to. There were five others, all probably around my age, all looking like they belonged there. I didn't. I panicked momentarily, terrified about spilling my guts to these strangers.

"Lulu," Lainey suggested gently. "Why don't you start?"

I looked at her. "I don't know how."

"Why don't you just introduce yourself and tell everyone why you're here?"

I stood up apprehensively, the eyes of the others in the room burning holes in my skin. My heart pounded. I had seen people on TV do this hundreds of times. I could just do what they did.

"I'm Lulu. I'm nineteen. And I'm. . . I'm a drug addict."


	7. Chapter 7

I have the feeling that no one's going to like this chapter, but I promise, it's necessary tto get this story where it needs to go! Milo will be back to his regular, adorable self in the next chapter.

* * *

_June  
Lulu_

"And where do you think you're going?" Nikolas asked me as I passed him in the hall. I had hoped he wouldn't notice that I was dressed up and going out. I turned slowly to face him.

"To dinner."

"With a certain mob enforcer?"

"First of all, Milo's a bodyguard. Secondly, Sonny's not a mobster."

Nikolas stayed strangely calm. "You really like him, don't you?"

I grinned. "Yeah."

He smiled. "I like to see you happy, Lulu. I just hope you're not throwing your life away on someone like him."

"He's a good guy."

"If you actually brought him over here to meet me like I keep asking, I might believe you."

"Soon. I'll do it soon."

"Okay. Have fun. Be home by midnight."

I rolled my eyes. I didn't know if he had always been this uptight, or if having Spencer brought out his paternal instincts. But to be honest, I kind of liked it. As far as overprotective fathers went, mine had kind of sucked. It was nice to see that someone cared this much.

"I will," I assured him, then turned back around to leave.

"Just make sure you know what you doing," he warned.

I turned again to face him. "If you referring to what I think you're referring to, don't worry, I learned my lesson last summer."

"That's not what I'm talking about." He motioned for me to follow him into the main room. I sighed and followed him. Milo had made dinner reservations and I was _hungry_. I flopped down on the sofa beside him.

"Please understand that the only person more uncomfortable with this than you is me, okay?"

_Please no safe sex lecture_, I begged silently. Oh God. . . did he think that I didn't use a condom with Dillon because I got pregnant? I scanned the room for a banana or any other sign that he might show me how I was supposed to use one.

Oh God. I should have just stayed with Tracy.

"I don't know if I'm the one who's supposed to talk to you about this, but with mom not being able to and your dad. . . well, being your dad, someone needs to. And Emily probably knows what she's talking about more than I do, but I don't want you to feel like I'm just brushing you off-"

"Nikolas, breathe."

"Obviously you know better than anyone what can happen if you have sex, so I'm not going to bother with it. But I want you to know what you're getting into with this guy. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"He's a good guy, Nikolas. He really is. Can you just trust me?"

"Okay." I thought he was finally finished so I got up. "Lulu?"

I didn't turn around this time. "Yeah?"

"I know this is probably the most uncomfortable conversation you've had in a long time, but I know you haven't always had someone to talk to when you needed them. So I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to again, I can be that person." He smiled. "You can go, I'm done lecturing. Living with women is making me soft."

I smiled and turned back and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Thank you, Nikolas."

* * *

It was a game.

A night not unlike any other, we had gone back to his apartment after dinner. He poured a couple of glasses of wine- not really my thing, but I appreciated the gesture- and put on music. We'd usually finish a glass or two each before he'd turn off the lights and leave us alone with the music in the background. Tonight, it was Jack Johnson.

And then the game would start. It was simple. A kiss or a stroke in the right place and we'd be set. We'd kiss until we couldn't catch our breaths, then move on to something else. His hands slid over me, smoothly, leaving trails of Goosebumps wherever they went. I especially enjoyed it when he was still in his work suit. The button down shirt made things more interesting. I tried every time to see how many I could get undone before we pulled away, or got interrupted, or I had to leave. We were stuck in this incredibly sensual tug-of-way between what should do and what we wanted to do. I was hooked.

Even though we hadn't been together that long, we'd seen each other every day from the very beginning and it felt like we were getting serious. Most nights, I could feel my mind go blank as soon as I stepped foot in his apartment, but tonight the conversation I'd had with Nikolas was weighing heavily on my mind. I had been so certain about how great Milo was until he had placed the doubt in my mind. Truth was, I didn't know him, not that well. And for the first time ever it was bothering me. I pulled back from him quickly.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked him, sitting up and smoothing down my dress.

He sat up as well, but didn't bother to button his shirt. "What do you mean?"

"Before we started dating, why didn't you have a girlfriend?" I knew how neurotic I sounded, but I didn't care at this point.

"There just. . ." he started. "There was no one I was really interested in."

"But you're such a nice guy. And you're hot. I mean. . . you know what I mean. You could have had anyone."

He sighed. "I was in a relationship, if that's what you mean."

"I guess so."

"I had a girlfriend senior year in high school who I went to university with. Honestly, I can't remember if it was because of her I went to Columbia, or because of me that she did. And we were together for three years while we were there."

"What happened?"

"Nothing good." He picked up our empty glasses and brought them over to the kitchenette to refill them. He handed it back to me and I took a sip, waiting on an answer.

"I think by the end of first year we were only together because neither of us really knew how to function outside of a relationship. We were living together, and it was complicated."

"So why did you break up?"

"I found out she was cheating on me. She broke it off with the other guy, and we tried again. And a couple of months after that, she told me she was pregnant."

"You have a kid?"

He shook his head. "She didn't have it."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" I asked him, unsure whether I was hurt or angry that he hadn't.

"Because I was the one who pressured her to have an abortion."

I sat up straight with my jaw clenched. "So, when I was spilling my guts the other day about what I did. . . you didn't think it was worth mentioning?"

"It was a long time ago."

I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. "I don't care about what you did! I care about the fact that you didn't tell me this!"

He gently touched my hand. I pulled it away. "No," I told him, getting up and picking up my purse from the floor. "I'll call you."

"Lulu. . ."

I had made my way over to the door, tears streaming down my face by this point. "Please just give me some space."

He didn't come after me. "If that's what you want. . ."

"It's what I want."

* * *

I was still crying by the time I had made my way over to the docks. I had called for a launch, but it took a little while for them to come. I was trying to calm myself down before I went home. I figured that I was overreacting, and I'd be fine as soon as I got some sleep.

"Well, well, well, who do we have here?" I looked up to find Kyle Ratcliffe, one of the assholes I had gone to high school with. He was one of those kids who thought the rules didn't apply to him because his parents had money. On the plus side, he had stirred up all sorts of trouble for Maxie a year or two back. I ignored him, but he kept coming towards me. "Lulu Spencer."

"Go away, Kyle," I muttered. I wiped my eyes and continued to ignore him.

"You know, I actually saw you the other day, but I didn't want to interrupt. You were with your friend in the park. If I had known he was going to share his stash with you, I might have given him a deal."

I whipped my head around. "_What_?"

"You and that computer geek. You were smoking up. I would have given him a deal if I knew that he was going to share."

"You know Spinelli?"

"I sold it to Spinelli."

"You do realize my brother's a police officer, right? That I could call him up and have you arrested."

"You're not going to do that," he told me with a smile. "Because we both know that'll just get you into a hell of a lot more trouble than me."

"Whatever."

"You look like you could use a little something right now."

"Not interested."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggie with three or four little blue pills. "Here. Try them. On me."

I knew better, but I was intrigued. "What is it?"

"Valium. Don't worry, it's pure. It's the same thing mothers all across America are popping every day." He saw the apprehension in my face. "It's safe."

"What does it do?"

"Just calms you down. And you look like you need to chill."

I looked at him, then at the tiny bag he had extended towards me. I slowly took it from him.

"They don't last long, so if you need something more than that, come see me."

"I have no intention of ever seeing you again." The launch had pulled up in front of me, and I was waiting for an excuse to get away from him. I got in and close the door quickly behind me.

And when I was sure there was no way he could see me, I took one of the pills.

* * *

"How was dinner?" Nikolas asked me, coming into the TV room where I was sprawled out.

"Crappy," I muttered. I was lying on the ground, propped up against a bunch of his throw pillows against the sofa. He came and took a seat beside me and grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl in front of me.

"What are you watching?"

"I don't know. Something with Patrick Dempsey." At this point, I didn't really care. The pills Kyle had given me were doing exactly as he said, and I was relaxed to a point where it didn't really matter. I was ready to go to bed.

Regardless, Nikolas stayed with me and watched the rest of the movie (Which we eventually managed to figure out was Sweet Home Alabama), and by the end of it, I was ready to call Milo. I decided against it, got into bed, took a second one of the pills, and curled up to go to sleep.

I put on that Jack Johnson CD before I went to sleep though.

* * *

_September  
Emily_

After a twelve hour shift, I was ready to crawl into bed and sleep for the next week. Two separate but equally serious multi-car accidents had come in and kept me in the ER all night. The sun was finally rising, but I closed the drapes and got into bed without changing out of my scrubs. I heard Nikolas come into the room from the shower, but didn't get up to meet him.

"You know," he told me softly, leaning over and kissing the nape of my neck. "You're supposed to take those off before you go to sleep."

I smiled. "You're just trying to find an excuse to watch me change."

"Very true." He leaned over again and kissed me. I could still taste his toothpaste. "How's Lulu?"

And I was up.

"What do you mean? She's upstairs, I don't really see her."

He had gone over to his dresser and started to change. "I thought you might have checked on her. Patrick's been going whenever he works."

"Nikolas, I'm just not. . . not yet."

He came back over to the bed, his shirt yet to be buttoned. I moved over to give him room to sit. "Are you doing okay with this?"

"I guess I just didn't realize how much it still bothers me. I know it was a long time ago but when I saw her come in. . . I nearly killed myself when I was using drugs. Not on purpose, but. . . it stirred a lot up when she came in."

He brought his hand to stroke my hair. "She needs you, you know."

"I'm the last person she needs."

"I can offer to be there for her as much I want, she's not going to let me. You know what it's like not to have your mom around when you're going through this."

"I can't be her surrogate mother."

"I'm sure she'd settle on being your surrogate little sister."

I took a deep breath. "Are you doing okay?"

He shrugged. "She's my little sister. I'm supposed to take care of here."

"You couldn't have stopped her."

"Maybe." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Get some sleep."

* * *

_Lulu_

"You wanted to see me?" Lainey asked from the doorway to my room.

It was one in the afternoon, but I was still too tired to get out of bed. A nurse had been coming in every twenty minutes to try and drag me out. "I want to go home."

She nodded. "Why?"

"I don't belong here. I just want to go home and sleep. In my own bed. Can't you let me out?"

"Well, you're here for four weeks of detox. You've only been here one."

"I can't sleep in the hospital"

She shook her head. "You'll have the same problem if you go home. It's the withdrawal that's keeping you from sleeping."

"Can't you give me something to help with that?"

"I don't want to give you anything until your seizures resolve themselves."

"So I'm stuck here feeling like this?"

"Basically. Why did you say that you don't belong here?"

"I'm not like everyone else in that group. I mean, I've never fit in anywhere before, but I don't even fit in with the addicts! I hate it here! I just want to go home."

She allowed me to calm down before she said anything. She wasn't condescending in her tone, and she actually seemed to take me seriously. "How about this? I only came in to get a couple of files, but I'll be in on Monday. I'll write orders for you not to be woken up the next two mornings and you can see if that helps. Then we'll talk about it Monday afternoon."

"Really?"

"Really."

She was trying. I had to give her points for that. I reluctantly agreed, and she made the notes in my chart. After she left, I turned off my lights again and tried to go back to sleep.

But it was futile. I sat in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours, just trying to make sense of what had happened to my life.

And after the hours had passed, I still couldn't make sense of any of it.


End file.
